Harold Be Thy Name
Richard
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When I was just a lad in short trousers
______ made us recite the Lord's Prayer each day
I ______ that God's first name was Harold
"Our Father, which ______ in heaven, Harold be thy name," we'd say
______ wondered why the Almighty's kingdom would come
And why we'd want His will "done" on earth
But I daren't ______ the teacher such questions
For fear she'd think me ______ at birth
Little did I know, as I stood ______ perplexed
That the next decade would be even more ______
A complete waste of time, as I'd later learn
______ knowledge as useful as ashes in an urn
I ______ that the square on the hippopotamus
Is equal to ______ sum of squares on its sides
I memorized osmosis, ______
And how Henry the Eighth disposed of his brides
______ they never taught me how to change a nappy
______ calm a colicky babe at two AM
They didn't ______ how to please the taxman
Or mend a broken ______ when love's on the wane
I can recite the ______ table
And name every bone in the human leg
______ when it comes to cooking Sunday roast
I'm as ______ as a one-armed man changing a lightbulb
They never ______ me how to fix a leaking tap
Or how ______ cook more than just beans on toast
I wasn't ______ the way to change a flat tyre
Or how ______ tactfully refuse to be a wedding guest
I know ______ date of the Battle of Hastings
And can solve ______ X in my sleep
But negotiating a pay rise ______ the boss?
I'd rather wrangle a flock of angry ______
No lesson plan on how to read a room
______ tell if she's just not that into you
They ______ the class on handling rejection
And how to know ______ no means yes or yes means no, too
They ______ me on dangling participles
And how to find the ______ of pi
But dealing with a sulking teenager?
I'd ______ teach a cat to fly
The curriculum lacked "How ______ Budget 101"
And "Dealing with In-laws" wasn't on the ______
They forgot to teach me small talk at parties
______ how to say her bottom doesn't look so big
No, they never taught me how to get a ______
Or cope when the kids have flown the nest
______ school of life's been my real teacher
And I'm ______ failing most of its tests